When a Snow ball defeat you!

Crying out to God is so refreshing. I feel today as if my mind is free and my heart is lite. I know my difficulties are not all gone, but it sure feels that way today. I needed this break. I so needed to cast all my cares on Jesus. I was drowning in unbelief, self pity, and lack of self-worth. Not a pretty place to be. I just cannot carry it anymore, not even a little bit. It so defeats me. I am tried of thinking I can make this better, I cannot, no matter how I try to ease the pain, or make things right, it fails. I picture it like this. Me at the bottom of a hill with snow on it. I start packaging this small snow ball, which I can control, and fix, so I go to the next phase. I put it down in the snow and start to role up it up the hill. Everything seems find and it feels like I have control of it, It's getting better. As I progress up the hill the snow ball is getting bigger and now it is getting harder to push and my feet start to slip, but I still have control, and I continue to push it up hill. Then before I know it the issues and problems are so big and over whelming that the snow ball roles back over top of me and I am left defeated and sliding back to the bottom hurt and feeling so tried as if I cannot go on. For some reason I continue to do this over and over again. So now you know where I am today, I am not making that snowball, I'm not trying to fix the problems. I am letting God make the snowball, I am just walking up the hill, trusting God to fulfill his promises. I like this feeling. Thank you Lord for this rest, please help me to love this place and never make another snowball!

CHANGE FOR GOD SAKE

"We change when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of changing." This quote has serious impart if you allow it to sink into your soul. A life lived without Grace has serious pain attached to it. Why is change so hard? Why does their need to be pain attached to it.
It is so true in my life. When I become so comfortable, I tend not to grow, I stagnate, I become complacent. I become lazy. I become unfeeling. I get arrogant, selfish, and petty. All true signs there needs to be some course correction. I never realized this until the desire to be a very mature man became a priority in my life. Now I am not satisfied to stay in a place of none growth very long. It becomes very painful to stay there. My mind races all over the place, My stomach aches, and I just feel so uneasy. My relationship begins to suffer, with God, my wife, and my children. As I fight the change it become unbearable to function as a mature person. I become sullen, quiet, and just plain rude. The pain is so self-Inflicted that I will either make the change or quench the Holy Spirit. How many times have I quenched the Holy Spirits moving? I cannot count them. But I can let you in on a secret, if you quench the Holy Spirits move for change, the pain goes away, your conscience is seared, and everything is good again, so it seems. Please consider what i never did. You hurt people, you become narcissistic, and you see yourself as never wrong. Then you have no need for change.
Or you can just Change, and make it easy on yourself. You see we always have a choice, a free will, A crossroad, which reminds me of another quote. " Two roads diverged in a wood, and I took the one less traveled by, and that has made all the difference." Change is the less traveled by road, because it takes us out of our comfort zone, and makes us grow.
Change is what continues to make our lives interesting. It really is a good thing. As I grow and mature with each step in my life I continue to see opened doors of faith, mercy and special events I would of missed without the change. Change is very hard, but it does make all the difference! Please Lord do not let me rest in myself.

BOOM, The Spirit Moves...

Here I am again, up in the night, can't sleep with an uneasy feeling and a pit in my stomach. The Holy Spirit is moving and I can't stop it, I don't want to stop it now, because I know a break through is coming. A crossroads. A turning point. I use to fight these, and quench the Holy Spirit, because I couldn't admit I was wrong, or it did not fit into the spiritual garbage I was taught. He is stirring the essence of my being. He is saying, your pool is to small, expand it, stop fighting against the people you know and the things you were taught. Get a different perspective.
I am here because 3 things happen to me in one day that really caused me much discomfort and angst. My father in law wrote a letter and said I needed to make his wife a saint to be worshiped. My Father told me the LORD would never move that way, and I needed to face reality. My friend gave me some news that really made me doubt honesty. All these things shook the core of my being. So I found myself asking why? Answer: Because it flew in the face of truth, and I want truth in my life, I don't want to have to believe all the Christian ease that makes everything okay. I want to believe my mother in law was a good person, but she was not a saint. My Dad may be right in his experience and faith, but I believe My God could do it differently. He is that big! My friend needs God's grace and mercy and he need a good faithful friend.
I sometimes feel I am always fighting or rebelling against what I have been taught, or what I know.
I don't want to be here here anymore, I want to find peace in a bigger pond, or community of people of faith. Where they believe and know God is working, where honesty reigns and maturity abounds. Thank you Holy Spirit for stirring this middle aged man to be better and more in tuned with your heart and soul, and mind.

NO I DON"T

Lord keep me from projecting my feelings and emotions on to other people. Again I am reminded how much I hate it when someone does this to me.
Let me just say I am not feeling what was said to me. I am not doing what you said I was. I don't feel that way. I'm not tired. There doesn't half to be a reason. So you don't half to make one up to be okay with it, or to make you feel better. What you are feeling has nothing to do with me.
I have done this, I have made it the other persons fault, for reasons I don't want to do it. If I can get it transferred I don't half to feel guilty for not wanting to do it. Help me rather be honest, and just let the other person know my real feelings. Keep me from passing guilt to others for my lack of maturity.

Reminder to self: Let the Holy Spirit change people. Thank you Lord for working on me.

Do We really need to be yelled at!

I am really bothered by something. Why does my pastor believe he need to yell to get his point across. As I grow with maturity, this has really started to plague me. Every week, I can't seem to hear what he is saying, its like he is trying to force it down my throat so that I will believe it. It is getting so tiresome. I want to be taught with the wisdom and maturity that Christ spoke to his disciples. Even when he rebuked them He didn't yell. He talked to them, admonished them, and up lifted them. I am not looking for my ears to be tickled here. I want to be spoken to as an adult, not a child. As I tradition to adult relationship with my children, there is no room for discipline or instruction, It is listening, sharing and encouraging them. Christ loves us, He wants us to grow up, and see the world as hurting and needing encouragement. I need that too. I wish my pastor would recognize that and stop yelling.

What a Promise!

Hebrews 12 4-14 Message Bible


In this all-out match against sin, others have suffered far worse than you, to say nothing of what Jesus went through—all that bloodshed! So don't feel sorry for yourselves. Or have you forgotten how good parents treat children, and that God regards you as his children?


My dear child, don't shrug off God's discipline,

but don't be crushed by it either.

It's the child he loves that he disciplines;

the child he embraces, he also corrects.

God is educating you; that's why you must never drop out. He's treating you as dear children. This trouble you're in isn't punishment; it's training, the normal experience of children. Only irresponsible parents leave children to fend for themselves. Would you prefer an irresponsible God? We respect our own parents for training and not spoiling us, so why not embrace God's training so we can truly live? While we were children, our parents did what seemed best to them. But God is doing what is best for us, training us to live God's holy best. At the time, discipline isn't much fun. It always feels like it's going against the grain. Later, of course, it pays off handsomely, for it's the well-trained who find themselves mature in their relationship with God.

12-13So don't sit around on your hands! No more dragging your feet! Clear the path for long-distance runners so no one will trip and fall, so no one will step in a hole and sprain an ankle. Help each other out. And run for it!

14-17Work at getting along with each other and with God. Otherwise you'll never get so much as a glimpse of God. Make sure no one gets left out of God's generosity. Keep a sharp eye out for weeds of bitter discontent. A thistle or two gone to seed can ruin a whole garden in no time. Watch out for the Esau syndrome: trading away God's lifelong gift in order to satisfy a short-term appetite. You well know how Esau later regretted that impulsive act and wanted God's blessing—but by then it was too late, tears or no tears.

Realized Immaturity

I have been humbled once again by the actions of myself. You see I have been looking at maturity as an incident, not as an event. One situation to another situation. But I just came to grips that immaturity starts with the first act, then it plays out a scenario, and know matter how mature you are with each incident, the whole event will suffer the immaturity. I will share a story with you. I was tired and hot, didn’t want to do another thing that required a lot of thought and emotion. But the sad thing about it, I was giving a lot of emotion about not wanting to do the event requiring my attention. Hint: Immaturity started here. Self took over, Note: No dying to self. My wife proceed to give me sound advice, sharing her heart with me, which I was not contradicting, just really wasn’t taking it to heart. I was so worried about resting and getting to a place that was cool, I missed her words of blessing one of our children. Understand I was not against the situation requiring I be connected to. I just didn’t want to do it then, I wanted to put it off for a day. Note: Immaturity still present. As time progress in the evening, My wife brought the situation to lite as we were sitting around the dinner table, which brought the situation to lite in front of our children. Which reminder me of my behavior in the car, and all the emotions of putting the event off another day. Now I felt trapped, and how could she put me on the spot like that. I was not wanting to have this conversation with my son right then, remember I was tired. Note: self, still in charge. I was able to ignore the situation, and my son left the house. The situation, buying a new used car. I was concern how he was going to pay for it, with going to college. I new he had been saving money for awhile now, because we had talked about buying a car earlier this year, which he decided it was a good idea to wait. I was so proud of him for that, so I wanted to have this conversation with him again, before we went and looked at one. I wanted to take any stress off him and me, financially. This is a mature thing to do right, but understand I didn’t want to do it today. I was tired, just wanted to rest. Note: immature. Well while he was gone, I got on Kelley blue book, did some research, found out what he was telling me, was great research he had done, and it was a good price for the car. We had a great conversation about his finances and I really felt good about going to look at it. But understand It was going to be past 8:30pm before we could go see it, I still had to milk the cows, and it was really hot outside, and I new I would even be all the more tired and hot. Note: Only thinking of myself. Finishing the barn chores. I was very hot, Decided to jump in the pool, swim with my daughter, which was good right. Spending time with her. Came inside took a shower, felt refreshed, ask my son if he wanted to still go. Note: Maturing right! Here it was 9:30pm. Driving 30 minutes to see this vehicle, We got there, the man was waiting for us, we drove the vehicle, it proved to be very good for the money, My son was talking to him about his best price, which we both were surprise with what he said, We were sharing things about our life's, and the young man express to us how he felt the Holy Spirit told him to give us the vehicle for $4000.00 He was asking $5300.00. Me ad my son about fell over I think, what a blessing, The Lord was showing my son, he was there for him, was looking out for his finances. We both felt so good about everything, had a great ride home. Note: Felt good I chose to go, would of missed the blessing of God. Mature right! When we got home every one was asleep, so our news would have to wait to in the morning. So me and my wife get up early to do the chores. So I am telling her about what happen, she was so excited, we were praising God. Note: Mature yes! Then self took control again, I proceeded to ask her not to put me on the spot in front of children, from the night before. Note: Very Immature! She didn’t take that it very well, I persisted to make my point, saying I am just asking a simple request. She made a statement, that shocked me in to reality again. You are robbing me of the joy of what the Lord has just done. She was so right! You see I didn’t realize I was being immature from the start, I thought I had the right to be able to rest, to put it off for another day, But I didn’t die to self, and it started a change of events that lead to a broken relationship with my wife. Which I have come to hate more than ever. I could of had a broken relationship with my son. So I have realized just today that immaturity starts a whole event and not just an isolated incident. Note: This is so important, Holy Spirit please point out to me the start of the immaturities, Please continue to show me that dying to self is putting my feeling aside so others might be blessed.